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Bush Defends Ban on War Grief
President Calls on Nation to Forget War's Human Cost
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 5:25 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush on Thursday defended his decision to exclude grief from U.S. war coverage, saying that lost lives and limbs show that the "evildoers still hate us" and thus confirm that we are "on the path of freedom."
The president, making his first appearance at a funeral for Americans killed in Iraq, posed beside a flag draped coffin and claimed that death is "no big deal." Bush's happy-face policy calls for cheerful optimism in the wake of the mounting death toll in Operation Sitting Duck, a deepening war risking the lives of 160,000 of America's finest young men and women. (Full Story)
Bush Declares "Major Sexual Operations Are Over"
Bush Appoints Schwarzenegger Warden of Iraq
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 5:32 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush appointed California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Warden of Iraq yesterday, promising the U.S. would get to the bottom of the Abu Ghraib sex abuse scandal once and for all. "It is time to put the hypercriticism to rest and find out how we are completely innocent," said Bush in a national radio address.
"No one probes more thoroughly than I do," added Schwarzenegger from Sacramento. (Full Story)
"Bush Chosen by God," Faithful Report
Christ-like Image Unmistakable
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 4:49 PM EDT
Norman, OK — President Bush is seen by many of his supporters as an answer to their prayers. "He was hand picked by the man upstairs and that's good enough for me," gushes Tammy Foster, a spot welder from Norman, Oklahoma...
"There was only one Jesus," Bush whispered during a recent Sunday service, "but in all humility I probably come closer to him than anyone else this millennium." Bush reiterated his view that U.S. Mideast policy would bring on Armageddon and give the gift of the Second Coming to all humanity. Given the upsurge in demand for fissionable materials in Iran and Pakistan following the U.S. invasion of Iraq, his expectations appear to be amply justified... (Full Story)
Al Qaeda Bombers Endorse Bush
Terrorists Thank Allah For America's 'Holy Idiot'
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 11:19 PM EDT
Cairo, Egypt — An Islamic militant group claiming responsibility for the train bombings in Spain endorsed a second term for President George W. Bush yesterday, praising his "idiocy and religious fanaticism," which the group said is helping to "wake up" the Islamic world.
In the statement, the group praised Allah for raising up the perfect leader to advance their cause, citing direct and plenary inspiration in Bush's calling the War on Terror a "crusade," turning the stomach of the entire world with constant lying and aggression, and placing thousands of U.S. soldiers in hopeless battle positions in the heart of the Middle East. (Full Story)
"Drug Prices Too Low" Declares Bush
Pharmaceutical Executives Face Mothballing Their Yachts
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 10:33 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush recommended price supports for the ailing drug industry during a stopover at a major manufacturing facility. According to a recent study by the drug industry, profits have dipped to 30% in the first half of 2004, setting off alarms bells throughout Wall Street. Congress has demanded action.
Between calls for cheap Cipro for anthrax victims and affordable antiretrovirals for AIDS patients, pharmaceutical executives are hardly able to maintain their yachts and palaces. And without these, the American economy will surely collapse, as literally millions of jobs depend on maintaining the billionaire lifestyle. (Full Story)
Bush Urges Seniors to Get Back to Work
$7 Trillion National Debt Cited
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 5:26 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush signed a job-training bill into law Friday to ease the elderly back to work and "end senior loafing as we know it." Bush told a cheering group of nursing home residents that, "There is no free lunch. Cooking and cleaning keeps us fiscally fit and gives seniors moral fiber." Amidst much laughter he added that, "We all know you folks can't get too much fiber."
The newest jobs are ideally suited to the elderly, whose decreased capacities are a perfect match for the tediously monotonous routines favored by employers. GOP plans call for training elderly fry cooks, janitors, Wal-Mart greeters, and nuclear waste disposal experts. The latter is deemed appropriate for those of advanced age, since long gestation periods for cancer don't matter to seniors who will die soon anyway. (Full Story)
Bush Vows to Print "As Much Money As It Takes" to Defeat Debt
Presses Groan Under Added Load
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 4:34 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush toured the Denver Mint on Wednesday as the nation's paper money presses reached capacity. "We can print unlimited money because it's really only paper," Bush assured nervous Wall Street analysts. "But we need the right equipment or we let the terrorists win."
Mint officials have ordered additional printing presses from Taiwan to keep up with surging demand. "We must print over a billion dollars a day to cover the $400 billion in red ink this year alone, and that puts enormous strain on our equipment," said Henrietta Fore, Director of the United States Mint. Mint officials are considering alternatives, such as a $200 bill, wooden nickels, and bartering with fowl. "We like to think outside the coop," winked Ms. Fore. (Full Story)
Ken Lay Appointed Assistant Treasury Secretary
"Lay suffered enough," Bush Says
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 3:07 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush met briefly today with former Enron Chairman Ken Lay in the White House Rose Garden. Despite shouted objections from homeless former Enron employees outside the gates, Bush pardoned his loyal friend and offered him a job. "Who else can cook the books like Kenny boy," Bush grinned, "and who best to hide the mounting losses in our budget deficit?" (Full Story)
Bush Raises Retirement Age to 82
Shortfall in Social Security Cited
Sunday, July 18, 2004 Posted: 2:10 PM EDT
Washington, DC — President Bush called a press conference on Wednesday to announce his "Seniors Get Back to Work" program. His refreshing frankness indicates he is one of the few politicians willing to tell the truth about the coming bankruptcy of the Social Security system. "There's no longer any reason to hide the obvious," Bush admitted, "The tax cuts we gave to the hardest-working 1% have created an enormous problem with the solvency of our so-called safety net." (Full Story)